An Open Apology to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Today I saw a friend on Facebook who had made an Octopus out of a hotdog for her 3 year old son's lunch. She clearly did this with excitement and creativity in her heart. His response was, "I don't want to eat an OCTOPUS!" And this immediately brought to mind for me St. Patrick's Day circa 1987.

I vividly remember that on this St. Patrick's Day you had the creative idea to make our entire dinner (or at least as much of it as you could) green. I remember there being green mashed potatoes, and green lemonade to drink, and something for dessert, perhaps a cake, that was also green. I remember you telling us there was a surprise involved in dinner and I can still hear the excitement in your voice. I remember John, Mark, and I walking into the kitchen, seeing the spread of green foods, and all of us saying, "Eeeww! It's green!" I remember you laughing, but now, I suspect you wanted to cry!

As a Mom, I can now fully understand the effort and love that went into this meal, and the let down you must have felt when your three charming children were less than appreciative of your efforts. Given that I so vividly remember this day, I suspect I felt a tinge of guilt at the time. But I didn't understand it on the same level that I can now. As parents we go to great efforts to do fun things that we think our kids will enjoy. We plan outings, we spend money on tickets and classes, and we make creative meals. Sometimes it goes over with great joy, and other times, well, it falls flatter than flat. I know this kind of frustration now, as a Mom. Like when Matt and I were all excited to take Ryan to the Aquarium for the first time. And he was far more excited by the elevators and escalators than any of the fish, dolphins or sharks. We could have gone to Kohl's and rode the elevators/escalators and he would have been just as pleased.

So, Mom, this is an apology for all the times you and Dad went to great efforts for us as kids, and your efforts were not greeted with adequate levels of excitement and/or appreciation. I hope you know how very much your efforts then and now are so very, very appreciated. And I hope the joy we all experience in regards to the AMAZING St. Patrick's Day feast you serve every year can make up for our less than enthusiastic response to your efforts circa 1987.


Love,

Your humbly grateful daughter, Kristen

That Illusive Balance

DISCLAIMER: I know by venturing into the topic of "Stay at Home Mom" (SAHM) vs "Working Mom" I am treading on dangerous ground. Please know that my thoughts in this post are simply MY musings on MY situation with MY family. It is not a judgement on anyone else. Every woman and family must do what works best for them. And we can each only know what is best for ourselves, not for anyone else.

I consider the SAHM/Working Mom balance that I have for myself at this time to be "the best of both worlds" in many ways. And yet, I have on occasion been given opportunities that make me wonder if my balance should shift in some way.

First of all, for those that don't know, I spend 4 days a week getting paid to watch my two adorable nieces while their parents are at work. This means that M-Th I go to my brother and sister-in-law's house and spend the day with Ryan, Julia (22 months), and Caitlin (5 years). I play with the little ones, pick Caitlin up from school (with the two little ones in tow), serve lunches, put them down for nap, go to the park, read books, do crafts, eat snacks, play more, etc, etc, etc. It is a mostly busy, at times boring, but generally great day. On Fridays I work a full day as a Clinical Social Worker for a pediatric Hospice. I provide therapy to kids who are dying and those with life-limiting illness and their families. I also do a lot of work for the Hospice from home on the evenings (writing notes, program development, etc), and on occasion go to see a family in our in patient unit or at home on a weekend. I get paid by the hour, which is actually REALLY GREAT because it means I can clock every minute I spend doing work. Which is a HUGE shift from when I was a full-time Social Worker at a large pediatric medical center. When working full time I would often leave at 6:00, come home, and then have to write notes from home. I got paid for 40 hours a week, whether I worked 40 or 60.

Before I had children I always said I planned to be a "mostly stay at home Mom." Though, financially, I knew I would have to make at least a little money. My current situation is in many ways perfect. I get to continue working in my profession of choice, doing something about which I am extremly passionate, while also getting to spend the majority of my time with my son. Not to mention, I am getting to play an integral role in my nieces lives, and that is an honor and a privilege. Most days, I am very fufilled, and wouldn't trade my set up for anything.

But then, I have a day like yesterday. I was invited to facilitate a parent panel at the first ever Psychosocial Symposium on Childhood Cancer on Capitol Hill. It was hosted by the Mattie Miracle Foundation (check out their website and read about an amazing little boy: mattiemiracle.com). I met the inspiring parents who started this foundation when they were panelists on another panel I facilitated at another national conference. I was honored that they invited me to participate in this very meaningful day.

After making sure all three kids were settled in with my Mom and Dad who would be watching them for the day I headed off to DC. I took the Metro (as the Capitol is nearly impossible to access by car). It was a beautiful day, and as I walked up to the Capitol building, with cherry blossoms lining my walk, I was, to say the least, impressed. I can harp on politicians, and get frustrated with the state of our Government, but there is something inspiring about that gleaming white building with the huge dome. I thought, "Wow! This would indeed be a cool place to work every day!" Before my presentation I sat through various other presentations by researchers, including a woman with a PhD in Social Work, who inspired me beyond belief. Dr. Lori Weiner does amazing clinical work with children with HIV/AIDS and Cancer as a clinician working at NIH. As her talk finished I thought, "I want to do what she does." After my panel presentation I spoke with parents who had less than ideal Hospice experiences with their children and I thought, "I want to REALLY make a difference in this area; Not just one family at a time, but on a National scale."

It was a fulfilling, thought provoking day. I left energized and excited. As I rode the Metro back home I thought, "I could do this type of thing more than one day a week. I wonder if I should look into working more days a week sometime sooner than I had planned." But then I got home, and Ryan was waiting outside with my parents, waiving excitedly, and jumping up and down. Those thoughts immediately left my head. I knew in that moment that with him is where I am supposed to be the majority of the time.

But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at night, laying in bed as I fell asleep, those same "Hmmm....I wonder...." thoughts crept back in. And then, another thought came to mind, "I wonder, is any parent ever certain they've found the illusive 'perfect balance?'" I doubt it. But for now, I am content to know that I have come pretty close.

Warning: This post is political!

I have never previously posted anything in this blog that is at all political. But, this is one issue about which I cannot keep quiet.

First, go here and read this well-written blog post by Dr. Jen Gunter. Yes, if you follow me on Facebook I have shared a few of her recent articles.

The legislation that Arizona is trying to (and 9 other states have already) pass disgusts me. Regardless of your views on abortion, this type of legislation is scary! It is a perfect example of uninformed law-makers doing what they think is right without knowing all the information. I know so many children who are alive today simply BECAUSE their moms were informed about a complex, life-threatening diagnosis and they were able to seek appropriate care that saved their child's life. Had those mom's OBs been able to withhold that information their children would be dead today. The moms would not have known to deliver their baby at a hospital that would be able to do such complex procedures as exit to ECMO or an atrial septostomy immediately following birth. These laws could kill as many babies as they are hoping to save.  Not to mention, that a doctor should NEVER be able to withhold information from a woman about the baby inside her because they "think" it may cause her to do something with which they disagree. I get so confused when people extol the importance of "limited government" and then they support laws like this.

And So, We Will Try Again....

I am really trying hard not to focus on the negative. But man, it sure is overwhelming to feel like your body is betraying you every single month! I have such compassion for woman who go through this for years and years. It is truly painful. I was so hopeful this month, for so many reasons, and it didn't happen again.

But on the bright side, I called and checked with my insurance, and at the very least a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist will be covered at this point. So, we have an appointment on March 29th. It is possible that some testing (if needed) could be covered as well. The only thing our insurance company puts a clear timeline on regarding fertility issues are the actual fertility treatments (IUI, IVF, etc). To pursue those you have to have been trying for a year. But, I sure hope we don't have to go down that road. Though, if we do, I feel incredibly lucky. Our insurance covers them at 100% as long as it is in network. We are truly fortunate that the company Matt works for has such AMAZING coverage.

We will have been trying for 8 months on April 1st (not that I'm counting! ;) Let's hope we don't get to 9......