That Illusive Balance

DISCLAIMER: I know by venturing into the topic of "Stay at Home Mom" (SAHM) vs "Working Mom" I am treading on dangerous ground. Please know that my thoughts in this post are simply MY musings on MY situation with MY family. It is not a judgement on anyone else. Every woman and family must do what works best for them. And we can each only know what is best for ourselves, not for anyone else.

I consider the SAHM/Working Mom balance that I have for myself at this time to be "the best of both worlds" in many ways. And yet, I have on occasion been given opportunities that make me wonder if my balance should shift in some way.

First of all, for those that don't know, I spend 4 days a week getting paid to watch my two adorable nieces while their parents are at work. This means that M-Th I go to my brother and sister-in-law's house and spend the day with Ryan, Julia (22 months), and Caitlin (5 years). I play with the little ones, pick Caitlin up from school (with the two little ones in tow), serve lunches, put them down for nap, go to the park, read books, do crafts, eat snacks, play more, etc, etc, etc. It is a mostly busy, at times boring, but generally great day. On Fridays I work a full day as a Clinical Social Worker for a pediatric Hospice. I provide therapy to kids who are dying and those with life-limiting illness and their families. I also do a lot of work for the Hospice from home on the evenings (writing notes, program development, etc), and on occasion go to see a family in our in patient unit or at home on a weekend. I get paid by the hour, which is actually REALLY GREAT because it means I can clock every minute I spend doing work. Which is a HUGE shift from when I was a full-time Social Worker at a large pediatric medical center. When working full time I would often leave at 6:00, come home, and then have to write notes from home. I got paid for 40 hours a week, whether I worked 40 or 60.

Before I had children I always said I planned to be a "mostly stay at home Mom." Though, financially, I knew I would have to make at least a little money. My current situation is in many ways perfect. I get to continue working in my profession of choice, doing something about which I am extremly passionate, while also getting to spend the majority of my time with my son. Not to mention, I am getting to play an integral role in my nieces lives, and that is an honor and a privilege. Most days, I am very fufilled, and wouldn't trade my set up for anything.

But then, I have a day like yesterday. I was invited to facilitate a parent panel at the first ever Psychosocial Symposium on Childhood Cancer on Capitol Hill. It was hosted by the Mattie Miracle Foundation (check out their website and read about an amazing little boy: mattiemiracle.org). I met the amazing parents who started this foundation when they were panelists on another panel I facilitated at another national conference. I was honored that they invited me to participate in this very meaningful day.

After making sure all three kids were settled in with my Mom and Dad who would be watching them for the day I headed off to DC. I took the Metro (as the Capitol is nearly impossible to access by car). It was a beautiful day, and as I walked up to the Capitol building, with cherry blossoms lining my walk, I was, to say the least, impressed. I can harp on politicians, and get frustrated with the state of our Government, but there is something inspiring about that gleaming white building with the huge dome. I thought, "Wow! This would indeed be a cool place to work every day!" Befor my presentation I sat through various other presentations by researchers, including a woman with a PhD in Social Work, who inspired me beyond belief. Dr. Lori Weiner does amazing clinical work with children with HIV/AIDS and Cancer as a clinician working at NIH. As her talk finished I thought, "I want to do what she does." After my panel presentation I spoke with parents who had less than ideal Hospice experiences with their children and I thought, "I want to REALLY make a difference in this area; Not just one family at a time, but on a National scale."

It was a fulfilling, thought provoking day. I left energized and excited. As I rode the Metro back home I thought, "I could do this type of thing more than one day a week. I wonder if I should look into working more days a week sometime sooner than I had planned." But then I got home, and Ryan was waiting outside with my parents, waiving excitedly, and jumping up and down. Those thoughts immediately left my head. I knew in that moment that with him is where I am supposed to be the majority of the time.

But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that at night, laying in bed as I fell asleep, those same "Hmmm....I wonder...." thoughts crept back in. And then, another thought came to mind, "I wonder, is any parent ever certain they've found the illusive 'perfect balance?'" I doubt it. But for now, I am content to know that I have come pretty close.

Warning: This post is political!

I have never previously posted anything in this blog that is at all political. But, this is one issue about which I cannot keep quiet.

First, go here and read this well-written blog post by Dr. Jen Gunter. Yes, if you follow me on Facebook I have shared a few of her recent articles.

The legislation that Arizona is trying to (and 9 other states have already) pass disgusts me. Regardless of your views on abortion, this type of legislation is scary! It is a perfect example of uninformed law-makers doing what they think is right without knowing all the information. I know so many children who are alive today simply BECAUSE their moms were informed about a complex, life-threatening diagnosis and they were able to seek appropriate care that saved their child's life. Had those mom's OBs been able to withhold that information their children would be dead today. The moms would not have known to deliver their baby at a hospital that would be able to do such complex procedures as exit to ECMO or an atrial septostomy immediately following birth. These laws could kill as many babies as they are hoping to save.  Not to mention, that a doctor should NEVER be able to withhold information from a woman about the baby inside her because they "think" it may cause her to do something with which they disagree. I get so confused when people extol the importance of "limited government" and then they support laws like this.

And So, We Will Try Again....

I am really trying hard not to focus on the negative. But man, it sure is overwhelming to feel like your body is betraying you every single month! I have such compassion for woman who go through this for years and years. It is truly painful. I was so hopeful this month, for so many reasons, and it didn't happen again.

But on the bright side, I called and checked with my insurance, and at the very least a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist will be covered at this point. So, we have an appointment on March 29th. It is possible that some testing (if needed) could be covered as well. The only thing our insurance company puts a clear timeline on regarding fertility issues are the actual fertility treatments (IUI, IVF, etc). To pursue those you have to have been trying for a year. But, I sure hope we don't have to go down that road. Though, if we do, I feel incredibly lucky. Our insurance covers them at 100% as long as it is in network. We are truly fortunate that the company Matt works for has such AMAZING coverage.

We will have been trying for 8 months on April 1st (not that I'm counting! ;) Let's hope we don't get to 9......

Amazing....Really!

This is a follow up to this post, a post I wrote, a few weeks after Ryan was born, in an effort to be truly honest about how difficult newborn-hood can be.

Recently, I have had a lot of friends/acquaintances give birth, and as has become my practice, I have shared with them the essay I wrote when Ryan was a tiny little guy in order to let them know that it is OK to think having a newborn is pretty awful at times. But, I also find myself saying, "It really does get better! I promise!" And so, I want to give equal time to the truly amazing parts of parenthood.

Ryan was not an easy newborn. He did not sleep well at all. For the first three weeks he slept TERRIBLY until we figured out he had a milk protein intolerance and I cut out all dairy from my diet (since I was breastfeeding). After I did that he was like a new kid. But he still wasn't a kid who slept for long stretches of time. In fact, he didn't sleep allllll the way through the night until he was 14 months old. And no, I don't mean that he didn't sleep through the night consistently until 14 months...no, I mean the FIRST TIME he EVER slept all the way through the night was when he was 14 months old. Once he started sleeping through the night I realized how much interrupted sleep affected me! This is all to say that Ryan wasn't one of those super easy babies. But other than sleep, as of about 6 months, he was PRETTY. FREAKING. AWESOME!

For any new moms out there, I know 6 months sounds like such a LONG TIME AWAY! I remember when Ryan was about 4 weeks old and a friends said to me, "Just survive the first 6 months, and you'll be fine." I almost fell over in despair. SIX MONTHS?! I can barely think past the next 6 days. How do you expect me to make it through till 6 months?? I wanted to hear from them that it would be better in a week. But 6 months is when (at least for me and my husband) parenting got really great. As of about 5 weeks (again, for me, Matt, and Ryan) it was MUCH easier than it had been. And from 5 weeks to 6 months things got gradually better.

At 6 months Ryan started crawling. He was interested in and really interacting with his world. He smiled all the time and cooed constantly and even started saying Mama and Dada consistently at around 7 months. Caring for a child who can give back to you through smiles, coos, clapping, and kisses is so much easier than caring for a child who pretty much only cries, poops, pees, and doesn't sleep. Of course I ADORED Ryan as a newborn. I was intensely in love. In love in a way I had never been before. But looking back now, I can see how very hard it was and I can say that parenting just gets better and better.

Ryan is now 26 months old (or he will be in a few days). And he is so much fun. He talks in complete sentences and will say things like "I want to help Daddy put da trash in da dumpster," (after a jog during which Daddy picked up errant trash along the way as he tends to do. He is such a good citizen!) 10 word sentences like this that communicate such a robust understanding of the world stop me in my tracks. In only 26 months he has learned so much about the world. It is amazing to watch. He also will be found giving spontaneous tight hugs and saying, "I love you best, Mama!" He is a sweet, sensitive, caring little boy. And he just makes my heart sing on a daily basis.

Don't get me wrong. He can also be a sassy, loud, overwhelming little bundle of energy at times, too. Like at my Dad's birthday party the other night. He decided 2 minutes into sitting down to eat that he was "All done. I going to play now." To his credit, we were eating 2 hours earlier than his normal dinner time and he probably wasn't hungry. But I still wanted to wring his neck and say "JUST. SIT. DOWN!" I tried to contain him, but it was to no avail. So, we let him play. Of course, he didn't just go play quietly in the corner. He was getting into Nee-Nee and Pop-Pops fragile home decor items and sharing poorly with his cousins (who upon seeing Ryan soon decided they were done too). And of course, this stressed me out. Why is it that kids seem to be on their worst behavior when the most people are around to see them? Its embarrassing. My brother lovingly said "He's a handful." He didn't mean any harm, and I know he truly does think Ryan is such a good boy. But I wanted to cry and say, "No! Really! He's not! He is usually so good and so easy!"

And yet, even with these embarrassing and difficult moments being Ryan's mom is still the best thing I have ever done. Matt and I look at each other sometimes and wonder what we did to be so lucky. We truly adore being parents. It is rewarding on a level that cannot be surpassed by anything else. My favorite moments can be found during weekends when it is just the three of us living life: running errands...going for a jog...playing "Ice Cream Shop"...or eating dinner together (yes, most of the time Ryan sits nicely and eats a good meal). We are creating a family. A family full of love and joy and occasional frustrations. But the love and joy overflow in abundance. The frustration is just a little distraction along the way.

So, yes, newborn-hood is pretty exhausting and overwhelming. In fact, it is at times so miserable that I sometimes think, "Seriously? Do we really want to do this newborn thing all over again?" And then I just need to take one look at Ryan, and I can say, without a doubt, most definitely, YES!