Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Mums the Word...Why??

I have been thinking about posting on this topic for weeks. But haven't for so many reasons. Namely, because its something people don't talk about. But then, today, I got a message from a facebook friend/former college band buddy (thanks Abby!) who was openly sharing her thoughts/experiences with me on this exact topic. She said, "it can be so isolating because no one talks about it. That's why I try to be as open as I can be about it." And that, that was the push I needed to go ahead and blog about this.

Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant with our second child for 7 months now. And so far we have not succeeded, but certainly not for lack of trying! (Sorry if that is too much information! ;) So, there I said it. And even as I put it "out there" I wonder why is this something we don't talk about? Well, I can think of a few reasons, because they are all things I thought about when I chose not to write about this:

1) No one talks about it. (Yes, I know, I said that already, but it bears repeating).

2) Everyone feels like "Oh, I shouldn't complain. So many other people have it so much worse!" (i.e. At least I have a chlid already, or "its only been 7 months. Some people have been trying for years.")

3) Its embarassing. I kind of thought that at first. But then I decided, no its not! Its not like either Matt or I have done anything wrong. What is to be embarassed about? (Feel free to fill me in here if I am missing something).

I am sure there are many more reasons why this is a topic about which people don't talk openly. And, I for one am not going to continue keeping mum. I know getting the e-mail from Abby (and talking with others who I know have shared similar struggles) has meant a lot to me. It is wonderful to hear from people who struggled and still made a beautiful baby as a result. So, if sharing my thoughts and experiences can help someone feel a little less isolated, then so be it.

And so, there you have it. We want another baby. And so far we don't have one. For those that think, 7 months is NOTHING! Well, its not "nothing" to me. Matt and I got pregnant fairly quickly with Ryan, and so, when we decided to start trying for #2 we were ready. We expected it to happen fairly quickly, and have been rather shocked that it hasn't happened yet. It is frustrating that even insurance companies have something to say about it all. You can't start any testing of any kind (and expect it to be covered by insurance) until you have been trying for a year (if you're under 35. I believe if you are over 35 you can start testing at 6 months).

Matt and I want our kids somewhat spaced apart, but not too far spaced. The longer it takes, the more that "perfect" spacing I have imagined in my head gets swept down the drain. And yes, we already have one child, and we should be grateful, and yes, of course we are. But as a mom, and as a sister, I have always pictured childREN in my life. Not one child. I know the wonderful relationships that are shared between siblings, and I want that for Ryan. I want him to know the joys and the struggles and the lessons involved in being a sibling, not just a son.

And yes, I know, in the grand scheme of things 7 months is not that long. But it sure can feel like an eternity when your heart aches every month when something you desperately want does not happen.

And so, I am trying to do "something" about the whole thing. I am a doer and feeling powerless just feels awful to me. So, I am going to acupuncture starting next Tuesday. I have never been before but I am anxious to see what it is like. I have read a lot, and know from various friends that acupuncture can be very helpful when trying to conceive. I'll let you know how it goes.

And in the meantime, send fertile vibes my way. And here's hoping that in a few months I will share that we are expecting. I can't wait!


  1. Love and hugs and prayers and lots of babydust! <3

  2. Kristen, glad you decided to share! So many things to say... :-) You're a great writer!

    Re: "Other people have it so much worse" - someone very wise once told me that just because someone else may be hurting worse than you, or in a different way than you, that doesn't diminish the pain that you're feeling. The pain you feel is real, don't put yourself down for feeling it. It sucks, and it's okay to admit that.

    For me, it became much easier to talk about once I was on the "other side" so to speak. Once I got pregnant and stayed pregnant, it was much easier to tell people we had trouble and had miscarriages. I don't know if felt like a jinx before that, or felt shameful that we couldn't do it, or what, but it is easier now than it was before. I think it's everyone's choice whether or not to talk about it, but we (societal we) should make a more welcoming and open environment for people to talk about these "taboo" subjects.

    Love love love this entry...glad to be part of the conversation that got it started. :-)

  3. I'm so glad you spoke up! I'm never been one to be shy about any subject (much to Josh's delight) and have talked openly about our two miscarriages, IVF, and surprise pregnancy with Kinsey. I understand being disappointed each month, it's hard. Sending lots of positive fertile vibes your way!


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