My Bladder is NOT a Trampoline and Other Messages to my Unborn Son

My Dear Connor,

In 5 days you will be joining our family in the flesh. You will make us a party of 5, you will give us the trifecta of three beautiful little boys. You will complete us. There are so many things I want to tell you about the last 9 months. This being my last pregnancy, I've tried to cherish it as much as I could (while chasing around your two older brothers full time)!

First of all, you should know how very much you were wanted and dreamed of. And over the past 9 months, as I have soaked in this pregnancy, I have felt certain that yes, you are the final puzzle piece to our little family. We always felt deep down that three kids was our "magic number." I am certain of that now. I'm sure there will be plenty of very not-so-magical moments in the days, weeks, and years to come, when Daddy and I will say, "What were we thinking!?" but magical or not, I don't expect to doubt the fact that yes, you are the last person who will grow inside me and it was meant to be that way. And for that, this pregnancy will always have a special place in my heart.

As much as pregnancy is similar each time, it is also very different. Yes, you made me feel QUITE ill for the first 26 weeks (though, I'm very thankful for the medicine Declegis which was a life saver and at least stopped the throwing up!) just like your brother Zachary did. And yes, I've been very tired being pregnant and parenting two other little guys. But feeling you growing inside me has been amazing. I have a feeling you're bigger than either of your brothers were at birth. You just push against all parts of my body in ways your brothers never did. You seem to think my bladder is a trampoline (FYI: Its not!!), which neither of your brothers did. You bounce and bounce on it, much to my displeasure. One would expect that being the third, there would be more room in there for you, but it sure doesn't feel like it! Your little feet and elbows and hands seem to be trying to explode through the wall that is my skin, and while it's not comfortable, its also amazing. I can tell exactly how you are situated in my belly and when a little nubbin of you goes across my skin I can, with almost certainty, tell which part of your little body it is. Maybe this is because I've done this three times now. But I also think that because you're bigger (or so I think) you've stayed in one position for a while and so its not such a guessing game. I've loved getting to know you in this way, and while I can't wait to meet you in person, I'll also be a little sad to never feel those amazing little punches and kicks ever again. Thank you for giving me that gift a third time.

Connor, you should also know that you're coming into a family that is SOOOO excited to meet you! Daddy and I are of course anticipating your joyful arrival. We're anxious about how we will all adjust, but we are just so excited to meet you! But one of the things that brings Daddy and I the most joy is watching your brothers.

Ryan is SO. VERY. EXCITED. We made a count down to your birth about a month ago. Ryan takes off one link of the chain every morning. He never forgets or has to be reminded. He then announces to Daddy and I how many days are left. He also will tell nearly everyone we see. To the lady in the grocery store, "We're having a baby in 5 days!" To his teacher at school, "We're having a baby in 5 days!" To a new neighbor we've never met before, "We're having a baby in 5 days!" To a stranger we cross paths with on a walk, "We're having a baby in 5 days!"  He can't wait to meet you, to help with you, and love you. I think anticipating you, and thinking about what it means to be a "Big Brother" has also made him a better big brother to Zachary, too. He has recently developed into a big brother who wants to teach Zach new things, help him, and share life with him more. He no longer sees Zach as just a nuisance who takes his toys. Maybe it's Zach getting older. But, I think it has to do with you, too. And that, the interaction of three siblings as opposed to just two is why Daddy and I so wanted three children. I can't wait to see how that will play out over the years!

Speaking of Zachary, he is anticipating your arrival in his own way as well. He gives spontaneous kisses to my belly throughout the day. He tries to share his snacks with you by putting food up to my belly button. He points to my belly, and with a questioning tone, says, "Baby?" Also, any time we get in the car these days he points to your carseat, sitting next to him and says, "Baby!" He must be so very confused. We keep talking about you, this "Baby" who will be joining our family, but Zach who has no concept of time must be thinking, "When the heck will he get here!?!?!" So, it will be joyful to watch him with you, not just with a hypothetical baby that he can't see and touch.

It is an amazing thing to know that in 5 short days our family will be complete. I feel a sense of peace and contentment that I've never felt before. (I'm also a nervous wreck and want to be the best mom I can be to all THREE of my boys, but I think those conflicting emotions are normal). Most of all, I'm just anxious for you to be here!

Connor, I cannot wait to meet you! I am so excited about your birth, a very special "Family Centered C-Section" that we have been carefully planning for months. I can't wait to watch you emerge from my belly. I can't wait to touch you as soon as you are born. I simply cannot wait to meet you, my sweet, beautiful, baby boy.

I love you so very much already!

Always,

Mama

To My Precious Boys

My Dear Ryan, Zachary, & Connor,

A few days ago I talked about the sadness I felt in learning that I will never have a daughter. And yes, that sadness is real. I hope that as each of your grow up with me as your Mama and Daddy as your Dad that you will learn  to always feel comfortable expressing your emotions, especially in a productive way, no matter what those emotions may be.

But no matter how sad I may feel at never having a daughter, I don't want any of you to EVER doubt my love for you and how much both Daddy and I wanted each of you. Daddy and I pretty much always knew we wanted three children. When we found out Zachary was a boy, we started having many conversations about whether we definitely wanted three children or if we were just thinking of a third to hopefully have a girl. And the answer was a resounding, "We want three kids, whether that third be a boy or a girl." So, Connor, know that you were wanted and dreamed of long before you ever came to be. We haven't met you yet, but we just know you'll be the perfect completion to our family and we cannot wait for you to get here!

Ryan and Zachary, watching the two of you develop a relationship as brothers, and being your Mommy has been the greatest joy of my life. You make raising boys a joy (most of the time!) and I wouldn't trade you for the world...not even all the daughters in the world! ;)  I know Connor will just add to the fun and I can't wait to see it happen.

I promise, no matter what, to always be there for the three of you and I hope you will always be there for each other. I promise to support you, love you, brush you off when you get hurt, build you up when you're feeling less than confident, to foster your strengths, work on your weaknesses, and love you unconditionally. I'm your Mama, you're my sons, and I will always be here for you.

As you grow up, as you develop close relationships with people outside of our family I promise to support you in learning the complex task of only letting people who truly value and respect you for who you are into your inner circle. I hope to develop in each of you a strong sense of confidence and self respect so that one day, by the time you choose someone to spend the rest of your life with you will choose someone who loves you for the amazing person you are. And I promise to love and respect that person as you do. (A letter to my future children-in-law is forth coming).

Until that time comes, I will relish this brief time Daddy and I have of watching you become who you are. It is a challenge, a joy, and the greatest privilege of our lives, to walk with each of you, to help mold you into the young men you will one day be. We won't be perfect. We'll make mistakes. Please forgive us when we do. Please understand that we always want what is best for you. And know that despite the mistakes, we will never, ever waiver on the fact that we love each one of you for who you are, unconditionally. On this life journey, along with the mistakes, we hope to enjoy lots of fun, many tickle fights, family dinners, hugs, snuggles, games, sporting events, concerts, performances, kisses, cuddles, goodnight stories, family vacations, day trips, walks to the park, and everything in between.

I love you so very, very much Ryan, Zachary, and Connor. Thank you, each one of you, for being a part of this amazing little family we have.

Always,

Mama

"Because, Well, That's What She Is"

Today at Target, in the check out line, there was a young girl, maybe 12 behind us in line. She was with her mom, and she was in a wheel chair. She appeared to have some form of Cerebral Palsy. I immediately noticed that she had on bright yellow Crocs, just as Ryan does.

I looked at Ryan, and pointed to the girl's feet and said, "Look Ryan, she has yellow Crocs just like you! She has good taste in shoes!" The girl laughed. I asked if yellow was her favorite color. She said, "Yes! Is it his?" Ryan said, a bit shyly, with a little encouragement, "Yeah, I like yellow, too." Zach then piped up, not to be outdone and started saying "Hiiii-eeee, hiiiii-eeee, hiiiiiiii-eeeeeeeeeeeee!" The girl laughed again, showing her beautiful smile. She said, "He's cute." It was clear speech is something she struggles with, but she was completely understood. I said, "Thanks!" And we finished paying for our items. We turned to say goodbye before we left.

Seeing as I had two small kids, and more items than they did, by the time they were leaving we were still getting situated. We said goodbye again, and the mother, quietly, sidled up to me and said, "Thank you for talking to her like she's a normal kid. Because, well, that's what she is." I was a bit caught off guard and said the only thing that came to mind, "Of course!" And they left. Mom and daughter left, chatting together as they headed out the door. I watched them sadly, thinking that if the mother went out of her way to thank me, that someone treating her daughter "like a normal kid" must be a fairly rare occurrence.

Ryan asked me what the mom had said. I explained that sometimes, because the girl was in a wheel chair, that some people might treat her differently and that the mom was thanking us for being kind and treating her like the normal kid that she is. Ryan said, "Why was she in a wheel chair?" (We've talked previously about why people use wheel chairs). I said, "Well, maybe she was born with an illness that made it so that her legs don't work so well. So, a wheel chair allows her to get around and go to all the places she would like to go." He said, "Oh, it helps her move around, like the people that use the special carts at the grocery store." And I said, "Yes exactly." He said, "Can she walk at all?" And I said, "I don't know. Maybe she can a little. But it probably makes her really tired, if her legs don't work quite right, so, when she's in a store its easier to use a wheel chair." Ryan said, "I wish I could ride in a wheel chair." And I said, "Maybe one day you'll have a friend who has a wheel chair and they will take you for a ride." And we headed out the door as well.

I hope more and more encounters like this, with other normal children, will teach my children to always be kind, caring, friendly, and casual with everyone, even if they do look a little different, talk a little different, use a wheelchair/braces/a walker, or act a little different. We're all just people, going through this world, looking for love, and hoping to find it in as many places as we can. If my children learn nothing from me, other than the goal of spreading love, kindness, and compassion as far and wide as we can, then, well, my job is done.

From DeBoy to Duggar?? Definitely NOT!

Seriously? So, I assume it was an accident, right? Well, you're gonna move now, I assume? (if I had a dollar for every time I heard this one we could actually afford to move!) Where are you gonna put all those kids? What, are you trying to create an empire? I hope you're done after this one!

These are all comments Matt or I heard (either in person, on the phone, or via Facebook) upon sharing the news of being pregnant with our third child. Given, most of these rather obnoxious comments came from people to whom we aren't that close. But some did come from family members (not necessary a shocker though, given who said them). And  it must be said that the people closest to us, and who are most supportive of us did nothing but share in our immense joy. However, there were enough people who didn't that I was truly left shocked. I mean seriously, when did having three children become equivalent to being on your way to starring in the next TLC reality show about people with an insane number of children?

To answer these questions, Yes! We are serious! No, it was not an accident. Though, given how long it took us to get pregnant with Zach we started trying a bit early, and well, let's just say it didn't take long....at all. So, when we saw  those two little lines on the pregnancy test we were a bit surprised, but also thrilled. No, we are not gonna move. Unfortunately we bought our house in 2006, at the peak of the market, and despite the fact that we would desperately like to move we cannot. But, we are financially more than stable, we have three bed rooms, bunk beds still exist, and we will be able to house all of our children under one, albeit small, roof. No, we have no goals of creating an empire, we've petty much always planned on three kids, and yes, we are certain we'll be done at three. But, what if we weren't? WHO CARES?

This is all to say, when someone shares with you the news of another child coming into their life, please, please, at least fain excitement and joy. Practice, right now, saying "Oh! Yay! That's wonderful news!" with a big genuine smile so that when someone you didn't expect to have "that many" (whatever that number might be in your head) kids calls to share their news with you that they are left buoyed with excitement, not doubt.

Having a child is a HUGE responsibility. No one who truly wants a child goes into it without much thought and consideration. It is a monumental decision whether it is your first, third, or fifteenth child. Even people who desperately want a child are a little scared and nervous when they first see those two blue lines on the pregnancy test. And Matt and I were no different. We were overjoyed, but as with each of our two previous pregnancies, we were also appropriately nervous. What was different this time, was that not everyone we shared the news with bolstered our joy and minimized our worry, as had been the norm previously. This was a shock, and a bit disappointing.

I like to think Matt and I are pretty great parents. We're not perfect, but we provide a loving, supportive home for our children. We nurture them in every way possible and love them immensely. Fortunately, all the less than supportive comments made never made us doubt our abilities as parents. But, imagine if similar comments were made to a couple less confident in their role as parents? I don't like to think of the pain and hurt that could be caused. Matt and I weren't left too hurt (though, the family comments stung a bit) and were rather left wondering, "What is wrong with [insert name]????" But no one sharing such happy news should feel anything but joy in sharing that news. 

Remember, once someone is announcing a pregnancy, its done. There is no going back. So, just smile, say congratulations, and give them a hug. Tell them what a lucky baby it is. And then, behind their backs, feel free to talk all you want about how crazy they are for having that many children. 

In the mean time, Matt and I will be over here anticipating the birth of our third child. We cannot wait to welcome him or her (we don't know yet, but we will find out) into our family, and our cozy little home. There is something magical about this pregnancy. Knowing its our last, knowing that he or she will be welcomed by two amazing brothers, and knowing all the joy (and yes, sleepless nights, diaper changes, flaring 2-year-old tempers, etc) that awaits us. Sweet baby, we never doubted that we wanted you! We can't wait until you get here!