Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Fare thee well, Tessa Margaret

A letter to the daughter I will never have

My Dear Tessa Margaret,

We had a beautiful name picked out for you. A name we had chosen before Ryan was ever born.  Tessa, a strong, beautiful name that your Dad and I just loved and Margaret, after your wonderful, loving, selfless grandmother, my mother.  With each of my pregnancies, I pictured you. I imagined you with long, brown hair like I had as a girl and a long lanky frame like your dad; deep soulful dark eyes. I pictured you excelling at basketball but being more of a center than the guard I always was.  I imagined the mother-daughter dates we would share; watching movies, going to lunch. I pictured doing your hair, and begging you to wear cute dresses, even though you probably wouldn’t have wanted to, because with two older brothers I expected you to be a Tom boy like I was growing up. I knew we'd argue and fight at times. What mother and daughter don't? But I hoped we'd have a special relationship that would allow us to get past any argument or disagreement. I imagined finding out about the first boy you had a crush on and then one day learning that you indeed had a boyfriend (or, perhaps a girlfriend. Either would have been fine).  I imagined the long phone conversations we’d have when you were off at college, maybe Boston College, or perhaps another college completely of your own choosing. Because I have no doubt you would have been a strong-willed, independent woman with a mind of your own. I imagined you beautiful and confident. I imagined you growing into one of my closest friends. A confidant, someone with whom I could share my soul, and I, as someone with whom you would share yours, as I do with my mom. You may have been all of these things, or none of them, but you would have been my daughter. A daughter that I will never have.

Yes, today, we found out that the sweet, beautiful, healthy (we are so grateful!) baby growing in my belly is a boy. A beautiful boy. One we can tell from the 4D pictures already looks like his older brothers, especially Zachary. One who will be celebrated and welcomed into this family with immense love from four people in his immediate family and many in his extended family; a family, immediate and extended, who will rejoice in his arrival and love him unconditionally. We are thrilled to add a third boy to our family. We know three boys will be lots of fun and chaos, joy, and noise. It will be trains and trucks, and sometimes painted fingers and toes, because if my boys want painted nails, then who am I to tell them no? Three boys, three smart, beautiful boys is what our family will be and was meant to be.

But this does not mean that I’m not sad to never meet you, Tessa Margaret. I know there are some people who will read this and wonder how I can be so ungrateful? How can I be sad over a new life? So many people struggle to have any children at all, or to have the number of children they want. I am not sad about the new life. I always imagined my family having three children and am so lucky this will be the case. I am not ungrateful. In fact, I know how blessed we are to have three healthy boys. I have met far too many families who have had to suffer the illness or death of a child far too young. I know how truly blessed we are to have healthy kids. I love raising boys. I love being Ryan and Zachary’s mom. And I couldn’t imagine it any other way. And I know this will be true of our third boy as well. But I am sad that I will never have a daughter. Never have that special girl with whom I will share a special mother-daughter relationship as I share with my mom. Another boy is a beautiful gift. But that does not erase the fact that I am mourning the loss of the daughter I will never have.  

So, fare thee well, sweet Tessa Margaret. I would have loved to meet you. 

1 comment:

  1. How touching! ♥
    Congrats on baby boy #3....
    Loved reading about Tessa Margaret. ♥


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